TheKey Chronicle

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Monday, December 27, 1999


I HATE it when people ask me "What do you want for Christmas" or even my birthday for that matter - it bugs me - I'm the kind of guy who goes out and gets what he wants himself - I don't wait for some holiday to come along. What's even better than that is that I'd rather get nothing at all than something I only dreamed up and told you just to tell you something. Look, I know you mean well - and that's great, but save yourself some money and just get me a damn card! Really - unless you see something that screams at you, just don't bother. Well... unless you just want to send money. Or a gift certificate. I shop at Best Buy a lot. Too bad I didn't post an essay last week. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

AND A MERRY MOVIE TO ALL! (Did I really just type that???)

The only thing I actually LIKE about the Christmas holiday is that usually there are some fun films in theaters. This year seems to be no exception. Although I am writing this before the holiday begins (while goofing off at my desk at work) I know that I hope to run out and catch Galaxy Quest. Usually I don't like parodies that are this directed. I hated Space Balls and Robin Hood: Men in Tights they were just too specific and weren't random enough. I usually prefer parodies like Airplane! or Blazing Saddles that address a whole genre, but I think GQ looks to be an exception to my rule. I know I haven't seen it yet, but I watch the trailer and first off, it makes me laugh, and secondly, it looks like the writer(s) actually took the world of Star Trek seriously and just tried to make jokes within that universe. Boy - I wish that the boys over at the Star Trek: Next Generation, Deep Space Nine & Voyager had thought about lightening things up a bit where characters say "oops" and try the old tried and true cliches, only to have them not work. So, I am making a prediction here - this will be a fun film that I will enjoy. So, if you want to see a film that I will enjoy (or possibly prove me wrong - yeah RIGHT!) then go catch Galaxy Quest.

Or would you rather watch "It's a Wonderful Life" - AGAIN?

PS: My girlfriend and I just got back from Galaxy Quest and boy was I RIGHT! It was more fun and fulfilling than the last THREE Trek movies put together!


I've bitched about holidays before, but since they keep coming, I'm going to keep whining. So here's this year's complaint. I have a busy life. I always thought that holidays were times when you could take off from work, get paid and actually do what YOU wanted to do. Well, for the fun Christian holiday that I am taking part in, I not only must do what society tells me to do, but I must lose time I would normally spend making money just so I can make these preparations!! I mean, come on - is this gift giving thing that big of a deal? No one realizes that all the time I must take to get presents, wrap them and so on, I actually lose time working. So, less working means less money, less money, means fewer PRESENTS!! Think about THAT for a minute!!

Monday, December 6, 1999


Now, maybe it's just me - but I feel like with the next millennium coming up (or so we misunderstand), diamond marketers are putting a HUGE push on these things. I've never understood why women are supposed to like diamonds. Is it because they're stupid and are attracted to pretty, shiny things? I've always felt women (certainly compared to men) were fairly practical people, but this odd love of pretty shiny things puzzles me. I know that our society programs women to like Barbie dolls, dresses, flowers, make-up and jewelry, but it's almost the 21st century!! Why haven't these women woken up?!? How practical is a pair of diamond earrings? Oh, sure, she may look great in them at a dinner party, but how many average women go to dinner parties? And of those dinner parties, how many are ritzy enough for the attendees to wear diamond earrings?? Sheesh - Oh yeah - women are practical alright.


Boy you know, I may run out of time to work on my site, but I never run out of things to bitch about. If I ever think, "gosh, what shall I complain about this week?" all I need to do is turn on the Television and start surfing. Usually I find something pretty offensive on E! Entertainment Television. I do admit that I enjoy Talk Soup and the occasional episode of The E Hollywood True Story. Mostly because both shows point out how truly messed up Hollywood is in one way or another. But the shows that I only see promos for (because that's all I can TAKE) seem to EMBRACE this insane industry. Take E's Fashion Emergency hosted by Emmy (no relation to the Award - as far as I know). Now first off, Emmy is best known, before hosting this show, for being what is called a "full figured model". (Or as I call them, a not-so-fat-hot-chick.) So, there she is, hosting this show that helps people who need help dressing "hip" or "cool". Doesn't that seem a bit hypocritical? I mean, here is this heavy chick who sets a great example for other heavy chicks around the country showing America that one doesn't have to be a freaking TWIG to be a hottie, but THEN she turns around and tells that very same America that they have to dress a certain way to look "hip" and "cool". And that isn't hip or cool - it's just LAME. So, THANKS cable TV for making the sucky things in life easier to make fun of!


What a total crock this is - Feng Shui is this Asian deal where you arrange your home and the stuff you keep in it to maximize the home's "energy". YEAH. I'm sure - and what "energy" is this? OH - FENG SHUI ENERGY! Of COURSE!! Um, can you please show me exactly what physics book mentions Feng Shui Energy please? When you can, or do - THEN I'LL FRIGGIN' WASTE MY TIME ARRANGING MY COUCH SO IT'LL HELP KEEP ME HEALTHY!!