TheKey Chronicle

$6 back issues!

Ballpoint Adventures mega-T

Monday, October 26, 1998


Okay, well this is becoming an ongoing series on rude people, but hell, it's my page, right? Anyway, I have noticed that many people have their own protective field that surrounds them - it allows certain people to believe that they are always right and that anything they do is completely harmless to others.

It's sort of like an inverted Twilight Zone where people do the most ridiculous things and the REST OF US get to deal with it.

Look at all the people that fail regularly to use traffic signals in their cars. I was trapped behind this woman in a mini-van recently who failed to use her signals three turns in a row! THREE TURNS! She just seemed to think that the world would maneuver around her as though she didn't exist. I can't decide if this zone around her made her insanely self-centered or exactly the opposite.

Then there's Michael Jackson. His zone is so big and clouding that, apparently, he's pretty sure he can molest young children and get away with it. Sadly, he's right. That field of his seems to extend so widely around him to effect his lawyers and closest confidants. They have all helped him not only get away with these things he's apparently done, but they've also helped him settle with the families of his victims out of court. So as a personal favor to me (and everyone else around you) take a look at the way you live your life. Examine how you act when you're alone or when you think you're out of range of anyone else's ears, eyes or body and take a nice hard look to see if you're actually ANNOYING THE CRAP out of someone.

Hey, all I'm asking is that if you realize that you're in a zone GET OUT OF IT!! And stop bugging me!!


1. The Guy who named NASA's Deep Space 1 - NASA trying to help out Star Trek's lagging ratings? Now that is SAD!
2.Oprah Winfrey - She was just named the most powerful person in Hollywood by Entertainment Weekly.
3.The Entire Hollywood Industry - FOR NOT HIRING ME! I'm a great writer dammit!
4.Alan Smithee - I wish he were to blame for the PILE of crappy movies these days.
5.the Padres - What the HELL was THAT???


It's that the Padres didn't even put up a fight! SHEESH!


It's everywhere - false advertising is more common than playboy magazines in a monestary. I pray that I am not the only one who has noticed this. Have you seen the commercials for the new Kurt Russel porker (my term for bad film) "Soldier"? If you have, your eyes were met with images of Kurt Russel blowing the bejesus out of everything and every person in front of him while your ears met with the sounds of either fast-paced heavy metal or equally fast-paced techno (or both, it's so hard to tell these days).

Now, I had a long week last week and was thinking a nice, simple, film with lots of explosions would be JUST the thing for my tired brain. So I went (with my girl friend who sacrificed much to sit through the mind-numbing but visually fun movie) and while my eyes were met with the exploding things and people the commercial promised, my ears met with music that sounded like it was composed by John Williams after a rough night out, while he vomitted into the toilet and scrawled the notes on the tile floor beside the shrine to the Porceline God.

In other words - the music was not only bad, it in NO WAY resembled the music in the commercials or the theatrical trailers. WHY is this legal? I have seen movies based solely on the music that was played during the trailers and been woefully disappointed - but NO MORE! Advertisers must stop lying to us to get us in the movie theaters. It's bad enough that they tell us how great their movie is (when really it sucks) but do they also have to make it SOUND better than it really is?

Get a life you dweebs. Tell us about the strong points of your product - don't tell us about what isn't really there.

And one other thing - is it me, or are all adverts for TV shows and movies doing a worse and worse job of making us want to actually SEE the product they're advertising? More on that next week!


I am SO broke - I am the kind of guy who goes from paycheck to paycheck. So, you can imagine my amazement when two (yes, TWO) emails appeared in my inbox asking my if I would be interested in investing in their company since it will shortly be going public. Now, I have no idea why ANYone would think that I would want to invest when I have no money. So, they must have gotten my email address (and maybe yours) from one of the various email newsletters and websites that require free memberships. See, some of these lists and sites sell your email address (and any other info you give them) to other companies to use for SPAMing purposes. Beat them by signing up for one of those free web based email services, like Hotmail, Iname or MyOwnEmail and give that email address whenever you are asked. That way, when your email address is sold to the Dark Lords of the SPAM, the junk email goes to your free web-based email account's inbox and not the one your REAL email goes into. HA!


Recently at CNN.Com, I read an article chronicling the adventures of a man on his way to the daycare center to drop off his son. On the way, he found himself stuck behind a car that was moving well below the regular flow of traffic. Not only that, the driver of the car was talking on a cell phone. The man honked three times in hopes that the slow, chatty driver would move into the next lane to the right and allow him to pass. After all, the honking was a somewhat obvious signal that most people understand to mean "GET OUTTA THE WAY, I'M IN A RUSH!" Most people I have observed do heed this signal and allow the faster vehicle to pass as did the verbally and geographically meandering moron at the wheel in front of our protagonist. But when our anti-hero (afterall, honking can be considered rude) reached his boy's daycare center, he was met by four police officers and ticketed for unnecessary use of horn which, in California carries of fine of up to $103. It turns out the Sally Jessy Wannabe doing his show from the car in front of our responsible father was a police captain in an unmarked police car. Whoops. So the next time you are driving behind some insanely slow driver, think twice before expressing your opinion to them - yield to caution, stifle and censor yourself or you may end up blowing a chunk of your paycheck because you didn't know -Big Brother- was in the car in front of you.

Monday, October 19, 1998


Yesterday, my girlfriend went to get a set of taps attached to a pair of shoes. It seems that she needs to wear these specific shoes she has for a review she is performing in. We drive down to a store her professor said would do the job. We get there and the place is jammed with little kids and their moms looking for costumes for Holloween. Little kids screaming and running around and moms who weren't very good at stopping their kids from screaming and running around. Anyway, when we finally couldn't find the tap-shoe section on our own and after we waited for a clerk to be done with the moms, the clerk explained that they don't have a shoemaker on the premisis. We had to go to this guy down the street. She says it's only two blocks - it's actually FIVE. We get there and the guy there says that he can't attach the taps unless we bought them first, from the store we were just at! So we truck back to the first store and then BACK to the second store. So my question is, would it have been SO difficult for any of the people involved in this scenario to add those small yet crucial elements of the explanations they gave us? I don't think so. People in general tend to be too wrapped up in their own lives to twitch their pinky finger to give a hand to another person. In general people are just way too lazy in regards to their fellow human. Try to avoid these instances in your own life - for the well being of the rest of us. Thanks.


1.Oprah Winfrey - What's "Beloved" actually ABOUT?
2.Oprah Winfrey - What is SO different about her show this season?
3.Gus Van Sant - What's next? A remake of "METROPOLIS" with CG FX?
4.Griffin Dunne - "Pratical Magic"? could you make a bigger chick-flick?
5.Sandra Bullock - For taking the goth (and the fun) out of being a witch.


and the dollar lost some value - does this mean I'm even MORE BROKE?!?!


I am a passive baseball fan. This means I watch only when my favorite team is in the World Series. Like this year. I noticed something this year about the way FOX is broadcasting the Series. They run replays EVERY chance they get. It's to the point where I can't tell when the game is on and when it's a replay. When Martinez hit that grand slam, I thought he did it three more times in a row! And another time in slow-mo!! Obviously, I figured it was a replay. Then, at the begining of Game 2 before ANYTHING important even happened, they were runing replays! I can't recall who was up, but he didn't even swing at the first pitch - it was a ball AND THEY REPLAYED IT!! What IS that? Why replay a BALL??? Yes, it was a bad pitch, perhaps some of us weren't watching? SO WHAT?!?! It's the FIRST pitch of the game and it's A BALL, YOU MORONS!! After that, every spare moment, FOX would run their replays. If the catcher was throwing the ball back to the pitcher, that was enough time to run the last swing. JEEZ! Don't they realize we've been watching?? Here's what they were trying to do: cover up for baseball's boringness. But they're wrong - baseball has truly rocked this year and the fans know it - so there's no need to jazz it up with multiple replays from every imaginable angle (including the Catcher-Cam) to hide how slow a baseball game can get. And even if it was a boring game, let people decide for themselves whether or not they want to be bored. There's the catch - that would be asking the network to not use any and every possible method for suckering people into watching the commercials they run. The catch is, I can always follow the game on the radio or the web. SO THERE! Losers.


TV commercials, the movies and scifi in general, make us believe that computers are just these great little appliances that work really well. I have had everything go wrong that possibly COULD go wrong on my three computers over the last three years (two of which I've had over the past ten months!). My old Compaq had one third of Win95 just evaporate from the hard drive one day. No reason. My Hewlitt Packard had some intangible conflict that even the folks at Hewlitt Packard couldn't figure out. They eventually gave me my money back and I bought a new IBM. THEN, the hard drive on it died. IBM replaced the drive and then I thought - what ELSE could go wrong? Well, this evening, when I sat down to scan in this week's strips for -TheFunnies- Page I disovered ANOTHER conflict that stopped the scanner from working properly. The best thing to do is buy a machine and just use it for simple stuff - don't try to do anything fancy with it because you're setting yourself up for many wasted hours. TRUST ME!


WELL? DO YOU KNOW? So many people accross America have no clue, not only where Kosovo is but they also are unaware of what is going on there. And guess what - I don't blame anyone who doesn't know the finer details. Maybe this bitch belongs in the media section because once again, it's the media's fault we are ignorant. Whenever I do research on the web, it usually takes me all of five minutes to find the info I need. Tonight, when researching for this very bitch, I was unable to find any specific atrocities that were performed in Kosovo. All I found out were cryptic references to other people's reporting. It seems no one has actually seen these atrocities - I even checked out Amnesty International and they kept referencing themselves! Basically, the media is failing to do what it is supposed to do - deliver information about what is happening in the world. All we hear about is who is pretty much responsible for a lot of deaths - some guy named Milosovich. But the media doesn't get specific - who is doing the killing and how and why. I suppose if I had more time in my schedule, I could dig around the web some more or sit in front of MSNBC until they stop running that Time & Again show and do a story on Kosovo. But then, I have a life - unlike a lot of people in Kosovo - apparently. Thanks News Industry!

Monday, October 5, 1998


No, I'm not talking about Gates or even Clinton, I'm talking about those things we get in the mail which order us to pay small-to-large sums of money or something horrible will happen to us. Why do we all seem to have them? Why is life so unavoidably integrated with bills? Why can't I just drop a whole mess of quarters in a meter outside my apartment when I want more electricity? Why do I need a bill? The same goes for the phones! Why not just ditch grounded phones all together and build little bank card readers into cell phones? Then when I want to make a call, I just swipe my bank card and dial away! We have no need for credit cards anymore, what with the advent of check cards (THANK GOD!!). Yet millions of people still use credit, instead of earning their money first. And the bills just keep coming. Month after month - even if you don't EVER go out and ONLY eat Ramen Noodles. I know this, I've tried. And what happens if you just suddenly stop paying all of your bills? You are plagued with calls from people who are annoyed that you haven't paid your bills in a while. Thank God for the answering machine.

MiniBitch: TV NEWS

Turn it off for a few days. It'll still be the same when you turn it back on again.


You know, ever since the whole Clinton/Starr/Lewinsky mess began, we've been hearing less and less about our pal, the Internet Napoleon, Bill Gates. Is it because we stopped caring about his deceit? I don't think we did, lies are lies, no matter which Bill we're talking about. So, why have we been hearing less about Gates? It's the news media's fault - for some reason the news media decided at some point that one Bill lying in the news was enough and the other Bill's lies had to go unheard! We're the American public - we LOVE lies! So, why did every major news source stop covering Bill Gates' EVERY breath? Because they felt like it. We need to stop trusting the news to make our opinions for us. What they decide we care about, we end up caring about. They say that we make the calls, but if they didn't show us the Clinton testimony video tapes, guess what? We wouldn't watch. This falls back onto my old argument on coming up with programming for television. It's the "Field of Dreams" argument - when the baseball Gods told Kevin Costner to build something completely illogical, but competely cool people will come and enjoy it with him. Build good TV and they will come. Either that, or they'll just read more.

WHAT ABOUT BILL (no, not Clinton!)

So what IS Bill up to? Is he still embroilled in his anti-trust case(s)? Or has he become clueful and figured out that if he were to donate a chunk (say just 5 billion dolars) of the sixty BILLION dollars he is worth right now to AIDS and Cancer research (like I believe he should) he would get the Department of Justice off of his butt? I mean, come on, that's what would happen! If Gates were to drop 5 BILLION dollars into the pockets of the folks at the American Foundation for AIDS Research and the American Cancer Society, they would be getting more than TWICE the money they have been able to raise for research in their combined years in existence! (Which is over 60 years!) I'm telling ya Bill, this is your answer!


My latest Main Bitch of the week hit me when my best friend and I were chatting about how our idea of acceptable jobs had dropped since finishing school. When we graduated, we thought we could aim for the stars and we'd soon find ourselves with great jobs. But quickly, we realized the stars were too much to expect and we began to settle for jobs a bit lower on the astronomical scale. Jobs equivalent to planets. Jobs that were good, solid jobs that most folks would be happy to get. Those jobs evaded us as well since those jobs were already taken by people who knew someone or had an uncle in the business. Next up were just okay jobs that are decent and they pay the bills. Now for these it really helps to know someone or to have the uncle, because if you don't you tend to get rejected for employment because you're overqualified. Who wants to hire people for jobs who are qualified for jobs above even them? So now we are left with settling for just one kind of job: a job that doesn't suck. Sheesh.