TheKey Chronicle

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Tuesday, July 28, 1998


Well, another psycho let loose on America last week and after hearing about the gunman's past, no one should be surprised either. The guy was deemed schizophrenic by a mental hospital and mere days before he killed those police officers in Washington, he was asked by a family member to kill 13 stray cats that had made a home out of their home. He killed 13 cats with a shotgun - why was this guy even allowed to have a shot gun? Even his father knew that his son was convinced that he and Bill Clinton had starred in a film together. I say we should lock up his parents for committing criminal negligence. The parents are just as guilty as their offspring. There should be a law that states that anyone providing a firearm to a clinical schizophrenic should be locked up until they realize that you DON'T LET PSYCHOS HAVE GUNS!


Well FINALLY the broadcast networks are starting to figure it out - rerun season SUCKS! There is no reason they can't provide programming all year 'round - like they used to back when TV first got started! (Why did they stop?) Now, they've discovered that there are people watching TV in the summer time and that most of us are leaning towards cable where - guess what - they feature NEW programming!! Hopefully, this will give the networks an opportunity to provide better shows! DO YA THINK? Me neither...


Think about it - the guy creates this product that is COMPLETELY imperfect, makes bilions of dollars off of it and when it doesn't work tells people: "Well, hey - computers aren't perfect."

And we buy it.

I want to be Bill Gates. Only I'd build a space fleet and cure cancer by selling all my MS stock.


They're scared of OJ.


Well, I haven't seen the movie and probably won't see it until it hits the $2.50 theater or video, but I am puzzled by the title. How can you say there's something about a woman who is played by Cameron Diaz??? SHE A TOTAL FREAKIN' HOTTIE!!! THERE'S NOT SOMETHING ABOUT HER - YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS ABOUT HER! SHE'S HOT! Those idiots should stop turning a thing that is a small, subtle complement about a person who is unusually attractive into a thing that can be applied to a woman who men publicly dream of birthing children for.

Monday, July 20, 1998


I know the law is the law, but at some point you have to stop and ask: "Is this worth ALL this tax payer money I am spending?" The worst Clinton has done here (in the eyes of the law) is ask someone to lie to protect himself in a civil case that has NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS OFFICE OR RESPONSIBILITIES. Why spend so much time, effort and money to uncover that? I think Ken Starr should be indicted on charges of wrongful endangerment - this latest Secret Service Agent thing will do much to MAJORLY compromise the trust the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES has with those PROTECTING HIS LIFE. Thanks for putting our leader at risk, Ken... you loser.


Or Disney, or GE or Viacom, or Microsoft. What's going on with the anti-monopoly laws of the United States?? It's getting to the point where EVERYTHING is owned by an all too small amount of companies. I heard today that GE wants to partner up with a company with strong cable TV interests because, they feel, one of it's subsidiaries, NBC, should have more of a presence in cable TV. What? MSNBC and CNBC arent enough for them?!? When are we going to sit up and notice that this handful of companies will soon own everything - even beyond entertainment?? We'll be using Viacom Toilets and locking our houses with Disney brand deadbolts (THAT'S pretty disturbing in itself!) and walking on dirt owned by Time/Warner. Look out world! HERE COMES AMERICA 2000! (New, From Microsoft - what do we want you to think today?)


Smart cards: cards that contain all sorts of personal information on them (social security number, blood type, medicines you're alergic to, etc.) along with access to your bank account. Apparently they've been in use for years over seas and we're starting to get them here in the US. They began as Debit Cards - you know, where you can use your ATM card to buy stuff, while cutting out the middle man, or middle machine, in this case. Of course, your bank usually charges a fee. A fee to use someone else's machine. That doesn't seem very smart. Unless you're the bank. Then, we now have the Check Card, which withdraws cash directly from your checking account. If you've got good credit - if not, then you have to have at least $5000 in your account. For the banks, this is smart. But it sucks for those of us with bad credit. Now say, you're out - you've driven to a store (most of the time) so you have your driver's license. Then, you realize you want to buy something with a check, but you need your license for ID. So why bother with Check Cards? So you don't need to provide ID... which you always have with you anyway. So, you have to put $5000 in your account, just so you can leave behind your check book and still write checks. Oh yeah, that's real smart.


The Spice Girls.


It's amazing - after looking at all the movies that are out and looking at just one night of primetime American TV, it's incredible to think about how dull our existence really is. Evertime I come out of a sci-fi or action movie, I have to remind myself it was all depressingly fictional. We haven't been visited by aliens. There are no actual government conspiracies to be uncovered. Elvis really is dead and there are no Texas-sized asteroids headed toward Earth, with bits of said asteroid showing up early to blow Paris to smithereens. (Although I know a few people who wouldn't mind that happening!) Hell, we don't even have a space station in orbit - the only one up there is owned by the Russians and it's WAAAAAY past it's shelf-life. (Mir's lasted longer than your average Twinkee!) All we've got up there these days are weather and broadcast satelites. Big deal. Oh and we've got a (reeeally) remote control Tonka Toy on Mars that no longer works. That was neat, but now what? My point is, there's just nothing reeeally cool going on. No wonder movies like Armageddon and Zorro are doing so well - OUR LIVES SUCK!

Monday, July 13, 1998


I must bring up this annoying, unstoppable urge to take old things and change them supposedly for the better. Take the recent box-office-semi-flop, "Godzilla". The film did horribly - despite all of those annoying billboards announcing just how big the damn monster is. The reason the movie did so badly? Dean Devlin and Roland Emerich's need to "modernize" it for the 90s. Why does Godzilla need to be changed at all? Not only did they change Godzilla's origin, the city he was trashing and his sheer motivation for trashing the city, but they also changed his look! Godzilla is a guy in a suit - he's cheesy and he's fun - THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HIM! Instead, the filmmakers decide, "Let's change the image EVERYBODY KNOWS and make him look like something out of Jurassic Park". The same goes for other "remakes" like "Tyranic", "Bored In Space", "Deep Sh*t" and so on. If you want to make money off an old idea because you think there's a market for it LEAVE THE IDEA ALONE! IT WORKED THE FIRST TIME, YA GIT!!


Okay, I always bitch about the commercials that appear on American TV and here I go again. Why is it that marketing companies think that we will buy more cat food or hamburgers if they run cutesy songs or songs from other decades over their ads? All it makes me want to do is change the channel or mute the TV. TV ads should inspire the viewers to not only buy the product, but they should inspire them to WATCH THE WHOLE AD! Instead, they try to ANNOY us into submission. Tell, me - which do you think would be a more efficient way to sell a burger? A stupid jingle or telling me in a witty and original manner how your burger is better than other folks'?

BILL GATES CURES AIDS (Well, he didn't but he COULD!)

No kidding! I heard that Bill Gates is worth over 50 BILLION dollars, US! He could drop a billion on the two major diseases plaguing mankind (AIDS and Cancer) and still have enough to build an actual space fleet. SERIOUSLY! I'm sure both the folks working on curing AIDS and the folks fixing to fix Cancer for good would see a cure much sooner if they saw a check with nine zeroes on it. And as far as his personal space fleet, that too is possible - it cost 2 billion US dollars to develop the B-2 Stealth bomber - each costs 2 Million US Dollars to buy. Figure a space craft would cost ten times that. So you're looking at spending less than half his worldly fortune on a fleet of ten ships alone!! The guy could BUY Mir and turn it into orbiting condos and still cure Cancer and feed ALL of America's homeless people. Yet, what is he worried most about these days? Avoiding the American Justice Department's guilty verdict. I'm sure we're all rooting for him.


Kick the habit.


I recently watched a special on the Discovery Channel about miracles of science. They profiled a woman who felt she was "aging prematurely". She had over $100,000 of plastic surgery done. She had three face lifts, a chemical peel or two, a nose job, her jaw was shortened and she had breast implants that she later had to have removed because the silcone hardened. Our society puts women's looks so high on the ladder of importance that women can't climb high enough or fast enough to reach the top rung. It's disgusting the things our society asks women to do to "be accepted". As a man, I assumed that women had little or no problem dealing with shaving, and dressing and staying in shape. What a yutz I was! And what's worse is that scientists have scientifically determined what a beautiful woman looks like. CAN YOU BELIEVE that?!? Based on the scientific study of how people react to what a woman looks like, they were able to uncover the specific characteristics that make up a "beautiful woman". WHAT IS THIS CRAP? Where a woman links her personal self-esteem with what a few "scientists" say is the "norm" for a good looking woman?!? That woman discovers after she gets all that plastic surgery done is that her life DOES change. People DO treat her better and THANK GOD she had all that work done because now everyone loves her and she is happy. And if others loving you is what's most important to you, then I have just one question for you.

Sunday, July 5, 1998




Well, a few weeks back (June 8, 1998),
I mentioned in my Main Bitch about how CNN had reported that the US Government had used chemical weapons on US GIs that defected to Vietnam during our glorious stint there. Now, to CNN's credit, they admit that the story was not entirely confirmable. Why is this? It turns out their main witness was recalling our government's misdeeds through the use of post-hyptnotic regression - OOOH YEAH, NOW THERE'S A RELIABLE SOURCE! Three cheers for April Oliver and Jack Smith, the story's producers. The morons...


No kidding! Here's an industry that is moving forward so quickly, you can't own a PC for more than about two years without that machine becoming obsolete. I recently threw away most of my old Compaq Pressario - all I could save from it were the drives. The processor chip is welded down, and the RAM is so old, it won't work on my pocket calculator. I did save the drives, but who knows if I'll be able to make them work on my new PC?? So, they just churn out these machines every six months, making them better - why not just take four years to make the best machine you can make and STOP DEVELOPING for a while. I feel so damn pressured to keep buying new machines! I spent $1700 back in 1995 and that machine is virtually useless - it won't run many apps that are standard these days. Why can't they just get it right ONCE - I have a TV that I bought in 1989 - and it still works today! Why can't the same be said for my PC?


Get them therapy...


Well, I am far from discounting as a source for news in general, so as I was reading the other day, I found an article describing the contents of letters Oklahoma City Federal Building Bomber, Timothy McVeigh sent his sister before he was convicted. In one of those letters, he admits that, while being trained in the US Marines, he was asked to take part in drug running and acts of assassination. He also claimed that there were many other things that the government asked him to do that were not legal, or ethical. It's a real shame nobody could take the time to believe this guy when he was first trying to make his point that the US government is full of crap! I'm not suggesting it is completely clueless - but even the most patriotic person can admit that our government isn't perfect. And to think if someone - anyone, would have taken a few days out of their busy life to listen to what this guy said, that person might have stopped 200+ people from dying. I'm not suggesting we put any credence in every complete nutbag that comes along, but could it really hurt to listen?