AOL CAN KISS MY BUTT

And if they were to (HA!) here's how they'd be the most successful:

1) Give out free internet service. They run so many ads on their service as it is - why not just raise their rates a bit and give away free subscriptions? They can afford it!

2) Stop selling any private information to third parties. AOL recently began asking it's subscribers whether they wanted their private information sold to outside marketing companies on an annual basis. So, instead of members having to tell AOL once that they don't want their info being peddled, they have to tell them once a year - if they forget, their mailbox is flooded with Spam. Yipee.

3) Come out with a lite version of AOL, a sort of AOLa. "A" for advanced. For a long time I've considered AOL to be "Internet for Dummies" because it does everything for you. I'd like a version that is customizable - a version that I can decide how much of their service I want to take part in. That way I can use exactly the parts of AOL that I like.

4) Have AOL software come with different sound schemes. Hearing "You've got mail!" from that pencil-necked scrawny white guy over and over every damn time I get mail drives me INSANE. I know I can change it, but I'd like to hear that pencil-necked guy say other things. Like how about "You've got milk!" or "I get royalties" or perhaps my favorite "You got laid!"

5) Burn all copies of You've Got Mail starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

There, those requests aren't too drastic, are they? Feel free to add your own on the Ventilation page! Once they do all of the above, I'll be MORE than happy to sign up! (Especially #5!)