Just how bad is "Gigli"? It's a Penis-Sneeze

Like the original Terminator movie, Ben & Jen's flop-o-rama movie gives it's own genre a name. For Terminator, the name of a club Sarah Connor hides from the original Terminator in is called "Tech Noir". Since that movie, all (good) movies residing in the same particular corner of science fiction films are referred to as "tech noir" movies. (Dark technology, in case you were wondering.)

Well, Gigli has done the same thing. There's a woefully scripted scene in the movie (in other words, there's a scene in the movie) where the mentally handicapped character Affleck's character has kidnapped in an attempt to extort a federal prosecutor, explains that looking at Lopez' character "makes his penis sneeze."

That's when I realized it - this movie IS a penis sneeze.

And from this day forth, ALL films as bad (or Satan-willing worse) than Gigli will be known to occupy that particular corner of the truly crappy movie genre called the Penis Sneeze.

But if you want to know what other critics thought of this movie, ABCNews.com put together a series of quotes from various reviews. Please note that all of the more positive reviews come from the more mainstream critics. I have a feeling this is because they actually may have met Ben Affleck or J-Lo and don't want to offend. How else can you explain Roger Ebert's comment that "The movie tries to do something different, thoughtful, and a little daring with their relationship, and although it doesn't quite work, maybe the movie is worth seeing for some scenes that are really very good."

SHAME on you ROGER!! I guess you have no soul after all...

I also love Salon.com's Charles Taylor taking the high (pompous) road by claiming that it being so fashionable to criticize Ben & Jen these days will only encourage "the predictable pig pile of critics trying to outdo each other."

God forbid those same critics SHOULD BE RIGHT. Come on, this movie is ill concieved on every level! From the writing to the acting to the direction - even the music is insipid as hell!! The plot is non-existent. The movie goes from the characters talking in a car to talking in an apartment to talking in a car again, to talking at a taco stand and so on - and NONE of that talking has more than a few sentences per scene to do with a plot - the rest of the "conversation" have to do with the characters displaying their firm lack of grip on reality.

Literally, there's one scene where Affleck's character explains that women are at a natural disadvantage for making women feel good in bed. What is this idiot talking about? In another scene Christopher Walken babbles for ten minutes stretching out a scene that should have been no longer than two minutes. In no scene is Lopez' character introduced to anyone beyond the scene where we first meet her character, yet she meets several other people throughout the movie, at one point even saying "it was nice to meet you". In two scenes (since the screenwriter apparently isn't familiar with the concept of the rule of threes) Affleck's character fantasizes about being on a beach with no one around. Knowing that this movie takes place in Los Angeles, I find it odd that his character can't just hop in a car and drive 20-30 minutes to Malibu where there are plenty of quiet beaches to enjoy.

I could go on - really, I could. I haven't even mentioned how both of the lead actors don't bother acting between their lines. They just wait for the next point where they are supposed to talk. At one point Affleck acts for one word and switches it off a milisecond later, going from annoyed sarcasm to blank, nothingness in a motion that would give even the most forgiving movie goers whiplash.

Calling this movie a "film" is accurate in ways not usually defined by the word. As in, this movie isn't a "film" in that it's a piece of art, or anything like that. It's a "film" the way you clean the gross film of residue off of your shower walls, or off of several day-old dirty dishes. Like that kind of film, this "film" stays with you for hours, even days later. It haunts you - constantly making you wonder "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

And you wonder that about any number of things in the movie.

Anyway, here's that list of quotes from other critics. (Click "more" if the link is bad. If you don't see "more" below, just scroll down.)


From ABC News:

Ishtar-ed and Feathered

J.Lo-Affleck Movie Sparks Monumental Condemnation
By Buck Wolf
ABC News

Aug. 1— You've probably heard by now that Gigli is bad. But how bad?

Critics are divided into two camps. Some call the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movie monumentally awful, rivaling such Hollywood turkeys as Ishtar, Heaven's Gate, Shanghai Surprise and Howard the Duck.

Others critics think the romantic comedy, opening today, is just run-of-the-mill dreck. Certainly no one seems to be to thrilled with it.

Here's a smattering of what critics of each camp are saying. Reviews aside, the engaged couple already have another film, Jersey Girl, set for release early next year.

Monumentally Bad

"Gigli is hard to pronounce, and harder to fathom."
— Claudia Puig, USA Today

"Gigli rhymes with 'really' … as in really, really silly … the kindest way to describe this hopelessly misconceived exercise in celebrity self-worship."
— A.O. Scott, New York Times

"The worst movie … of our admittedly young century. More stupefying follies may come, but it's impossible to imagine how they'll beat this one for staggering idiocy, fatuousness or pretension."
— Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal

"This is not just ordinary bad in a Bad Boys II sort of way, but a hypnotic, black hole of a movie that sucks reputations, careers and goodwill down its vortex."
— Liam Lacey, The Globe and Mail of Toronto

"Even … trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez fell in love, stops being fun after a while."
— Christy Lemire, Associated Press

"We're talking about a disaster, and not of the fun Showgirls variety, either."
— Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

"A dull disaster."
— Ty Burr, Boston Globe

"From the moment Affleck declares that in every relationship 'there's a bull and a cow,' [he and Lopez] make hideous chin music together."
— Michael Sragow, Baltimore Sun

"In this relationship, there is also a turkey."
— Jami Bernard, New York Daily News

"It's Chasing Amy with guns."
— Desson Howe, The Washington Post

"Like Madonna in … The Next Best Thing, [Lopez] gets to show off her yoga moves and toned muscles … but even her remarkable sex appeal isn't enough to distract you from the idiocies coming out of her mouth."
— Jonathan Foreman, New York Post

"Embalmed in the deadening juices of Affleck and Lopez's throwaway celebrity."
— Maitland McDonagh, TV Guide

"So god-awfuly, soul-destroyingly bad it manages to offend lesbians, the mentally challenged and straight people in a single bound, not to mention the entire acting profession."
— Eye Weekly

Just Bad

"Gigli arrives carrying more baggage than a Greyhound bus, which may distract moviegoers from what is a silly but still an enjoyably written and performed romantic comedy. This late-summer entry will likely check out of theaters before it recoups, but have an active afterlife."
— Variety

"A watchable bad movie … There are no shoot-outs or car chases, and there isn't much romantic suspense, either."
— Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

"It's not as bad as Madonna's last movie — or any of Madonna's movies, for that matter."
— Joel Siegel, Good Morning America

"The movie tries to do something different, thoughtful, and a little daring with their relationship, and although it doesn't quite work, maybe the movie is worth seeing for some scenes that are really very good."
— Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"The fact that it's fashionable to hate Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez … will probably do nothing to discourage the predictable pig pile of critics trying to outdo each other."
— Charles Taylor, Salon.com